“I’m a submissive man, but I do not submit to everyone!” / “I like the idea of submitting to a woman but in real life, I am very dominant!” / “This is just role-play for me” are all things I regularly read or hear from men, which confirms a recurring discomfort with being a submissive man. By no means am I claiming that what they say isn’t true and I do appreciate that this is sometimes said to shed some light on themselves, upon our first contact, when we have never met before, but if they truly felt at ease with the fact that they do enjoy submitting to a woman sometimes, or maybe even all the time, there would be no need for self-justification.
“A submissive is a sexual participant who willingly gives up some or all the control to a dominant partner. This type of partnership is often referred to in the BDSM community as a dominant/submissive (D/s) partnership.”
Men are expected to be dominant. And when they have submissive desires, they start wondering if there’s isn’t something wrong with them. They feel embarrassed and hide it. They don’t tell their partners, due to their fear of being labelled as “weird” and getting rejected. And too often they’re in denial to such a powerful degree that they will end up spending their life with a partner who knows nothing about it.
I was once discussing the topic with someone who loves ropes (both tying and being tied, but especially being tied) but nonetheless lives a vanilla life and hides this from everyone in his close circle. When I told him that I would never consider being in a relationship with someone who is not kinky or at least curious about kink, he replied that I was going too far by excluding myself and even exhibiting sectarian behaviour. He then went on to say that he personally did not see himself with someone kinky. This comes from someone who has been doing ropes for the past 10 years (attending workshops, events and practicing with sexual partners). Basically, what he was saying was “I’m so embarrassed about my kink and so afraid that people will point at me like I’m the weird guy who likes being tied up that I can allow myself to do it with people whom are not really part of my life (I just play with them. My friends and family don’t know them and never will) but when comes the time of getting into a serious relationship with someone and sharing more than just sex with that person, never will I share this with her. I’d rather lie and feel accepted by people than come forward with who I truly am and stand up for myself” Pretty tragic, in my opinion.
Many men come to me because they feel like they can’t express their desire to submit with anyone else. Some of them have long-term partners and others are not in committed relationships but still do not feel comfortable opening about their submission with the people they are intimate with. Some claim that they accept their submissive side but don’t tell their partners because they won’t accept them otherwise. But if they did they would stand up for themselves and choose to be with someone who truly accepts them. It’s when you’re not comfortable with who you are that you allow people who want you to be something else, in your life – life is a mirror – but when you do, you become aware of your boundaries, of what it is that you want, and most importantly what it is that you don’t want. And magically, you also end up attracting like-minded people (you reap what you sow.)
(…) Read this full article written by me here