Article by Maya Sin, commissioned by Lustery.com

As a Dominatrix, I aim to set men free when they feel pressured to fit a masculine mould. Not only do I want to give them the chance to express themselves fully, as they truly are, but also realise that doing so will not have any fatal consequences on their lives. Together, we explore vulnerability, power and roles in a safe environment to allow them to embrace their identity, beyond the threat of being different.

Submitting Will Make You Stronger

When one submits, they entrust the Dominant party with all the control and offering them the precious gift of their vulnerability should be welcomed with the healthiest intentions on the other side. Dropping one’s mask, is a source of liberation and a vector of acceptance. Take pegging for example: a man might need a break from the standards that society has dictated. He might not always wish to physically dominate and “perform” in bed. He might also want to explore anal sensations, which in mainstream culture, tend to be reserved for women. To experience penetration as a man means letting go of societal codes and feeling free to be oneself beyond these codes. Being penetrated by a woman who loves or just cares about you means that she not only acknowledges but also honours your identity. As a Dominant woman, I find it a sign of true strength for a man to gift me his vulnerability in such a way. It means a lot to me that he has no issue with challenging gender roles, and offering me his submission. Besides the evident physical connection, I feel spiritually connected to my pegging partners, and they do too apparently.

Oh, You Can't help Yourself? It's Time for the Chastity Belt

Just like in any other relationship, caring and striving to be good for each other is essential in BDSM. As a Dominant, I like to encourage my submissives to become more self-aware and get hold of whatever destructive, or simply nonconstructive habit that is holding them back from becoming their best selves. My favourite instrument to do that is humiliation. I enjoy humiliating my submissives about their inherently masculine lack of sexual control, their slavery to their own sexuality, with chastity training. I do certainly mock them for being pathetically obsessed with sex and make them wear a chastity device as a result. At the same time, I also combine their chastity training with Taoist exercises to teach them to regain control over their sexuality and achieve “sexual discipline”. By mostly performing various types of genital contractions, they learn to control their genitals and sexual organs in order to contain their ejaculation. I also teach them to sublimate the resulting surplus of sexual energy into Chi energy, and use my power over them to foster their personal growth. In turn, they are grateful for being controlled by a woman who also has their interest at heart, which further builds their trust in me.

You Are Still In Charge

It might seem like the Dominant must be the one taking on the caring role but the submissive ought to do the same. My submissives trust me as their “leader” and I trust them for being attentive to my needs (both kinky and non-sexual) and taking the initiative to honour them. This mutual trust is what feels so special in our relationship. For instance, I have a kink for protocol and being greeted by my submissives with kneeling and a boot/shoe/foot kiss. They obviously are all aware and will perform this gesture even if I happen to forget because I am too busy dealing with something else when they arrive at my place for example. I also wear a lot of latex and my submissives know exactly how to care for it. Once again, they will usually be the ones remembering to do so after I have worn it during a shoot or a play session, which will save me the brainpower to remember and the time to clean it myself.

Male submission is an opportunity for men to be themselves, in their entirety. Conforming with gender roles can be reductive. It might not leave much space for anything existing outside of their confines. Experimenting with these roles, whether merely just by playing with them in the bedroom or extending power exchange beyond it, could teach one much about themselves and their deepest needs.